The fear anytime I begin to write is that I won’t do justice to the topic that is on my heart and that I’ll fall so short of effectually testifying to Jesus. Although I can feel fear over not witnessing to him accurately, if I am being honest, my fear is really that I am not good enough. I am not good enough to write, I don’t know scripture well enough, my sentence structure will be poor and it will leave me open to criticism, etc. This negative chatter that tells me I am inadequate is common to us all, but not NORMAL.
Among a number of significant changes that have taken place over the last couple of years is the decision we made as a family to step out and build our first house. If you have built a house before or even just sold a house and moved you know what a demanding process it is. It was in late spring of 2024 when we put up our old place for sale that I began to have panic attacks. I use the words ‘panic attacks’ because we all seem to be familiar with what that generally could mean. Maybe you are familiar with common symptoms of panic attacks which can include shortness of breath and a tight chest, a desire to hide from everything, inability to think clearly, etc. These along with a few others are ones I have experienced. Although I use the words ‘panic attacks’ as a starting point, I feel there is more to what these episodes really are. In my life it has been a coming-to-the-surface of deep fears and hurtful identity beliefs that have been lying dormant in my heart. They are fears and beliefs that I learned early on in life (most of them in childhood) that through a certain degree of control have remained hidden. Hidden from my eyes, but not to the Lord (thank goodness).
If you were to ask me if I was a fearful person, I would confidently assert that I was NOT. I have experienced nervousness as a child over piano recitals, performing in music festivals, and big school projects but I would not think of myself as someone who is afraid. I mentioned some of the common symptoms I have experienced as hidden fears have been coming to the surface, but as the months have clicked away, symptoms, which I would have never previously attributed to fear were brought to my attention. In fact, through the gift of being pressed down and shaken I have had the opportunity to reflect and actually see for the first time these unexpected symptoms manifesting much earlier than this past season of life. This past season was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Let me list for you my recurring and longstanding symptoms: Persistent irritability, annoyance with others, mistrust of others, repeated hypothetical conversations in my head with a person concerning a matter, in addition, blame. None of these symptoms has the sensation of fear attached to them because these different forms of anger give me a sense of feeling powerful. Try as I have to manage my reactions, it seems there is something deeper that continues to fuel the response of anger. Although at first I could find good reason for why others should be to blame for what I am feeling, I have reached a point of such frustration and grief over the condition of my internal culture that I am desperate for a different way of living. It cannot be that others need to change in order for me to have a different experience; there has to be something in my own beliefs that needs to change in order to experience transformation.
At the beginning of this post I mentioned this negative chatter which really hides in the background, slipping through the back door of our beliefs, undermining and condemning us constantly. If I were to ask you what hurtful names you believe about yourself, what would your response be? These are negative ‘I am’ statements we allow ourselves to be called. We all have them, but I believe for most of us we have grown accustomed to their presence and have accepted them as a part to our lives. I will tell you the main ones I battle against: I am selfish, I am too much to handle, I am fat and I am a burden. These are all shame-based identities. Ultimately, all the nuance of our personal shame-based beliefs can be condensed into this one statement: I am not good enough.
Shame makes us feel like victims. It tells us we were made wrong, that we are flawed, that we are broken, that our weaknesses define us, that there’s no hope for us and that we are at a disadvantage in life. Our very being/personhood disqualifies us from the good that is out there in the world, and how cannot we not feel a despondency in our heart if this is true? This grief and fear makes us feel vulnerable and almost unconsciously, we begin to look for ways to feel powerful in the midst of feeling so low. The “unexplained” and persistent manifestations of anger are all outward expressions of the anger that sits inside of my heart towards myself. It is here in the unloved places of my soul where shame has overstayed his welcome that I am in desperate need of transformation, and it is these places that need Love to come in and mend, heal and restore the beliefs I hold about myself. Love is the only antidote to fear (1 John 4:18).
These shame-based identities attract fear like feces attract flies. We actually misinterpret intel and information that comes our way and we can spend all the time we want swatting the flies away, but if the waste remains the flies can’t help but come. Until the unloved places are emptied, and my soul is filled with a fuller understanding of God’s love for me and my worth, the anger (which is the result of fear) will continue to find cracks to seep out of. The civil war within ourselves always leads to war outside of ourselves.
In the next post I will try to dive a bit deeper into what shame is, and why it is so destructive.